i think sometimes you forget where the heart is <3 [entries|friends|calendar] Kovak the Great [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

heartbreak, [08/04/06 - 1:57pm] your heart literally hurts when it's breaking. you can feel it, every beat another ache. and nothing you can do will stop it, either the breaking or the beating. comment

brendon michael hughes, [08/04/06 - 1:45pm] i am shaky and frightened as i write this. i want a new start this time and want you to promise to be there for me. no more placating me or lying to my face. that only worked when i didn't feel good about myself. i'm alot better now, so you'll have to be better too. i know this sounds like i am putting it all on you. i guess in a way i am, but some of the hurt of those lonely nights worrying about you still comes back to haunt me. i am working hard on letting go of the past. but i need to tell you how i need to be talked to.i need to know that i am as important to you as your interests. i guess it's still hard to accept that sometimes i don't mean as much to you as your music does. i am quite imperfect. i know i sometimes made myself appear weak and needy to keep you close. it was bad not because it didn't work, but because i convinced myself that i needed you in order to be me. i know better now. but it is not in my nature to forgive another for playing on my weakness. i guess i just think i feel weak without you. so i guess this all means i am willing to risk making another committment to you. i love you, but only when you are sober. i need you, but only to complement me, not to sustain me. i need you to be there for me. i need you to notice that i am as important as anything else. i need love and acceptance. but, brendon you need to talk to me. i can't know how you feel all the time. there is nothing more damaging to a relationship than pretending you are happy. you keep everything inside and you never tell me what's wrong or what i do that makes you mad until one time you just blow up. we'll never be able to do this if we both don't work on this. but i'm willing to give it another try. i must be nuts...(just kidding). comment

just a bit removed from the truth [08/04/06 - 1:43pm] [ music | the blood brothers-love rhymes with hideous car wreck ] while what i understood about love was correct, i had never felt completely loved and, therefore, could not speak from that speical knowing that comes only with experience. he could have, should have, wouldn't call. if i havn't found myself yet, how do i know you are right for me? i think i fell in love with love, not you. because you committ when your heart reigns over your doubts. and i'm doubting you more than ever right now. i just want to believe that love exists. i just want to believe that we are both imperfect, childlike, open, and sensitive. we are also fragile, vulnerable, caring, devoted, totally trusting, supportive, and committed. we have only one rule in our relationship. we both must be free. we are truly in love. i will never be truly in love. because it has to go both ways. the pain of not loving can make anyone cynical. should i move on? it's easier to break up and run away than admit how our needs distorted our perception and contributed to our own betrayal. and so we move on, resolving never to allow ourselves to be hurt this way again. it is easy to forget that you love eachother. it's also easy to fool yourself into thinking he loves you back. i don't need him. i know i don't. would you? shouldn't we be able to find the courage on our own, prod ourselves and reach for the stars? comment

love rhymes with pity now [08/04/06 - 1:41pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | the blood brothers-love rhymes with hideous car wreck ] work today was long. a bit boring and weird since miranda got off early. that meant working, going out in the company van to eat sushi and pizza, and playing soccer with my co-workers. rory buys me cigarettes so it's okay. and brantly quit today. him and miranda annoy me by talking about how much they hate eachother. i get distracted too easily though. my thoughts come and go. they are everywhere and nowhere, often at the same time. trying to keep ahold of them is harder than holding my center of balance ever was. and that was impossible. everything reminds me of brendon. >insert emo tear< drew ended up picking me up from work. a part of me thinks he's cute. i wonder if noticing that means i have a crush on him. i doubt it. puppies are cute and no one dates them. besides, i am completely in love with brendon. i don't know why he's mad at me now. he's at the beach but i can learn to have fun with my misery. didn't you hear the latest dramarama news? i am the walking definition of ignorant. and jelous. i ended up going to see you me & dupree with katie and cori. it's not so bad the second time you watch it. shit i have community service tomorrow. too bad i couldn't sleep over at miranda's tonight. lonely people are (peculiar as it may seem) often the best company comment

stress? [08/04/06 - 1:40pm] [ mood | blah ] hm. so i am working part-time at A Cleaner World. i really need the job to pay off my court dues. $310. i hope i don't get fired before i reach that. yes, court went well. i'm taking the first offenders program. i have the same lady korff was transfered too and i'll do community service with him, at least for 10 hours which isn't so bad. but i have 75. i work 7-5 tomorrow and shit. i just realized i'm working on mine and brendon's anniversary. our one year is soon. that's something to look forward to. work isn't so bad with miranda. it'll be fun when jason gets back. and brantly and i used the company van to eat at mcdonals and to go to my boyfriend's since i got off early. things are looking nice. except i had a gynecologist appointment yesterday. my cooter scratch still hurts. that was the most unnatural, embarasing, and awkward experience ever. i'd better be opitmistic though. to my best friend sarah, this is always in the back of my mind, some things that happened that i just want to forget. and i left for two weeks, because i feel like i'm not able to help in anyway. everything has changed so much. it's like we're all different people now; things are so different. and i wonder if i didn't go... but, it's mainly just you. and you'll probably never read this, but i see bits and pieces of the old you coming out, but it's like you've changed so much. or i have. i know i have. you've just grown up faster than me i guess. well, good luck with college. you're the moon and i love you. i'm a star. not an eternal shining star, but a shooting star. about to explode. always here. comment

why... [08/04/06 - 1:40pm] why do people need other people so much? why can't we just do our work and go home? why do we have to talk and touch and dream together? comment

[02/04/06 - 10:59am] i wish i was in dc protesting the war making the news for our school has kind of got me into politics, or, at least disliking bush. comment

[02/03/06 - 10:53pm] uh so i never use this thing went to homegrown for grub with brendon and ed. then played tag and stuff. umm schools okay. i love art. its like i just get lost in it and im oblivious to everything else. in digital media i gave becky her (lopsided) birthday cupcakes :) biology is one of the boring classes, but i like the subject. lunch is always fun! sushi sushi. english i have o'briant, shes fun as hell. ohhmm and of course corey is in there with me:) i wanna go to that war protest in dc with sarah, and korff gets off grounding tomorrow. yay. ummm went to the mall with bren. we deff went in EVERY store in the mall. then went to see underworld 2 with kelly! and ed! :-D of course we sneaked in comment

[01/24/06 - 10:04am] new schedule: Visual Arts I [Taylor] Digital Media II [Petty] Honors Biology [Middleton] C Lunch Honors English II [O'Briant] hm. uhg. brendon better get in my lunch. comment

[01/18/06 - 3:48pm] Oh baby, baby please I feel an urgent need to apologize I did a terrible thing in a terrible dream And now I can't look you in the eye It started: We were out on a date And you turned to say, "I gotta tell you something odd I know I said we'd get married But I'm already married" And that's when you laughed so hard So I turned and swung Woke up in a shock Nails digging blood from the base of my palms Because people are so fickle They fall in love at different angles So really I could lose you just as quickly as I've gotten you And that's the kind of thought that makes me nervous And worried if you'll really think I'm worth it When the rush wears off and you're left with this busted person But if you tell me you will I will do wht I can to believe it So baby all the things that I've seen Last night while asleep This morning, they're messing with me And now I'm anxious as hell And looking for help Something pleasant and painless Some story to tell With a throughline of calm That could stop me from being myself 'Cause all I think is how I wanna be your fever Just to know I make you heated 'Cause I worry you might see me more like a blanket Who's there for comfort and for cover From the glare of former lovers All that passion that kissed you and bit you 'til you were devoured And I'd like to get better 'cause thinking like this is torture And if I can't stop it you'll get sick of bearing crosses And you'll jump to cut your losses You'll go get quarantined somewhere far from me Where it's much less dangerous But maybe if I wake up and quit dreaming I can shake and shit I'm fearing And I can realize I'm just freaking out for no good reason I'll tell you what: If that's a line I can cross, once I get there, I'm not ever leaving comment

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